Despite The Past
by PyroRawr
Summary: This little Shenko piece takes place right after the Mars mission on ME3. This is what I would've rather happened, instead of the whole face bashing into the skycar bit


The shuttle bay's layout was fairly spaced out. It was definitely more spacious than the previous Normandy's bay had been. Then again, this bay was used for more than just storing the Kodiak. Right as one walked out of the elevator, their gaze would first land on a couple of small computers that were set up right in front. One connected the Normandy's supply lines to the numerous stores on the Citadel, while the other was only strictly connected to the arms and armor stores for any weapon or armor needs or upgrades that Shepard and the team might require. Towards the right side of the bay, Cortez had most of the space dedicated to the shuttle and even had a small station where he could conduct necessary repairs when required. On the left, James had created a small, makeshift fitness room, where he was most often found either doing pull ups, or taking out the angst of the previous mission on the defenseless punching bag. And after the high strung Mars mission, Kaidan had accepted James's offer of using the punching bag, for he found himself in the need to do just that.

With his mind fixated on blocking out the cocktail of feelings the mission had left him with, he lunged forward, hitting the bag multiple times with such extreme intensity that he felt the pain ripple through the gloves and onto his hands. His breath quickened as he shook of the pain and regardless of it, went in for more. Kaidan still couldn't wrap his head around what had happened in just the last few months. While it's been some time since Horizon, he still couldn't believe that Shepard was alive. Not to get him wrong, he was extremely relieved to see her again. As much as he didn't want to admit it. However, even he couldn't deny how a simple smile from her made his heart skip a beat. Or how his body would scream and beg him for her when she'd be inches away. Watching her conduct the crew meetings with sheer determination to overcome whatever obstacle thrown at her often led to sleepless nights as his conflicting thoughts took over. He felt at an utter loss most of the time, but that was to be expected. To see her alive after two years of thinking she was gone had definitely affected him. Especially with _Cerebus_ being added to the mix. " _However.."_ He shook his head " _No._." he thought to himself as he attempted to clear his mind of Shepard. He tried to regain his focus on the punching bag in front of him. With thirty minutes already on the clock, sweat had begun to emerge from his naturally sculpted body, making his defined biceps gleam in the light. While Kaidan admired his appearance, he was never one to aim to be physically perfect. He kept up with his routines, making sure his body stayed in shape for whatever the Alliance needed of him. But after meeting Shepard..His purpose slowly changed. He'd remember how much Shepard loved being in his embrace. And how she would constantly tell him how safe he felt in his arms. This motivated to keep up with his routines. He wanted to be strong for her, to be able to protect her.

The whole time consisted of endless punches in an attempt to clear his mind from what his heart wanted. However, whenever he stopped for a breath, his heart would invade his thoughts once more. He knew Shepard had previously worked with Cerberus. And that was something he didn't how to feel about. Was she really herself? Or was she a version of the person he knew? Of the woman he fell in love with? He didn't know for sure. And didn't know _how_ to be sure. Not only that, but every time he saw Shepard, his mind would go still go blank, just like back then. He constantly had to fight every fiber in his body to run up to her, and engulf her in his arms. His heart ached for her touch. But his thoughts ate away at him. They would plague him with whether to believe the woman he is so deeply in love with, or question her very existence, her intentions due to his beliefs about Cerebus.

He was about to take another swing when James popped his head in. "Hey Alenko," Kaidan briefly looked up at the Lieutenant. "The Commander said she would like to speak with you."

A sigh escaped his lips. "Just what I needed.." He mumbled under his breath. He turned to James. "Thanks Vega." He began to snap the gloves off and slid them out from his hands. "Could you tell her to meet me at the Starboard Observatory room please?"

James stared at him for a moment, raising an eyebrow. He was about to question him whether he was going to speak to the Commander dressed like _that_ , but he shut his mouth before any words could slip out and simply nodded. "Yes sir." And with that, he took off to relay the message.

Kaidan reached out for the small, white towel that hung over the pole used it to wipe his face of the accumulated sweat. "I better hurry if I want to at least change before she gets there.." he whispered to himself. He placed the towel over his shoulder before picking up his bag and headed straight to the elevator. As the doors slowly close, he gave a final nod to James, silently thanking him.

Minutes later, he arrived at his destination. However before stepping out, he popped his head out, making sure the coast was clear of Shepard. The last thing he needed was for his commanding officer to see him in a sweaty tank top and shorts. After making sure that he was in the clear, he sped towards the Observatory room where he lets out a huge sigh of relief, unaware that she was not to far off. He walked over to the black couch, where he softly threw his bag down and began to pull off his tank top.

Shepard hummed to herself as she walked over to the Observatory room. She was looking over a datapad that contained a debrief of the previous mission. Mars had been anything but easy. Especially with Kaidan constantly hovering over her about her previous endeavors with Cerebus. But at this point, she has given up trying to convince him of her actions. She would always love him. But she knew when her efforts were turning futile. In fact, she wanted to talk to him about the more important matter at hand, Cerebus's unexpected involvement at Mars.

Shepard had no idea what she'd walk into. As she still looked over the datapad, she walked over to the doors as they opened swiftly at her command. "Hey Kaidan I-." She stopped dead in her tracks as she lifted her gaze from the datapad to see an equally surprised Kaidan barechested, wearing nothing but his black workout shorts.

She's seen his body may have been a couple of years ago, but still. So she was confused as to why she felt so amazed and drawn by it. While some of his features were familiar, she could noticed the difference of what now made him. She had always admired his body structure, but she couldn't have prepared herself for how the last two years had changed him. She could now see the small ripples and the pure definition that made up his arms. His chest now led down to his slight toned abdomen. He was the same Kaidan she had known, but completely different at the same time.

Unaware that she was _gawking_ , the sound of his voice broke her away from her thoughts.

He could feel her eyes on him as they scanned over sent him into a flux of emotions. He felt worried, suddenly self conscious as to what Shepard would think of his appearance. He felt confusion, embarrassment, and he didn't understand why, but he also felt relieved. It partially made him feel comfortable having her see him like this. It reminded him of their previous intimate times together. But he was embarrassed at the fact that his Commander has caught him looking like such. "There was..Uh.. Something you wanted to tell me Commander..?"

Shepard mumbled something inaudible before speaking up. "Yes.. I.. Uh.." She tried to divert her eyes back to the datapad as she swallowed her thoughts. "I wanted to go over some of the information we picked up back on Mars.." She could her the strain of her voice and desperately hoped that he didn't pick up on it. He walked over to her and looked over the datapad.

Shepard simply stood there as bit her lip in an attempt to keep her eyes away from him. " _Just one peek…"_ She thought to herself. Thinking that he was still looking over the data pad, she sneaked a glance him, only to catch his eyes on her, locking them in.

He felt her body tremble beside him. " _Is she fighting this as much as I am..?"_ He questioned himself. His thoughts bounced around in his mind _. "Fuck it, I can't do this any more.."_ He decided to let his heart take over this time. Whether he would regret it or not, will be something he'll deal with later. Right now, she was here, and his heart desperately longed for her.

"Shepard.." His voice was soft, almost too quiet to be heard. It sounded as if he was afraid to say her name again. But yet, it also sounded immensely relieved as he left his probing conflictions aside. He slowly reached for her hand, causing her to hold her breath. The all too familiar warmness of her skin, like a bolt of electricity, instantly traveled through his body. He then took her hand, and placed on the center of his chest. She tried to look away as not only one tear began to slid down her face, but as thousands more threaten to escape. She could feel the rate of his heartbeat suddenly increase at the mere touch of her fingers. "Shhh." He gently turned her face back towards his, wiping the single tear with his finger. "It's okay.."

Afraid to speak in fear of spilling her tears she simply stared into his brown eyes. She could see the mixture of emotion that they wielded. Fear, Love, Sadness, Happiness. Whatever internal battle he was fighting, Shepard could tell was slowly dissipating. However she didn't know what this meant for her. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. "Kaidan.." Her voice sounded as if she hadn't spoken in years. Weak and almost hoarse.

Kaidan felt his thoughts creeping behind him, but he pushed them away. He had her in arms' reach and had already taken a step ahead. He knew he'd be crazy to let this moment go. He gently placed his hand on her waist, and slowly brought her body closer to his. "Shepard.. Oh Shepard… How much I've missed you.." He whispered quietly.

Their foreheads lightly rested against each other as they took a moment to process what was happening. Their lips laid inches from each other and Shepard felt him tremble with every word he had spoken. At this point, she didn't think she hold her feelings back any longer. She's tried to force them into the back of her mind ever since Horizon. But it's been too long. She craved for his touch more now than ever, and just as much as he craved hers.

With one of hand lying above his heart, she placed the other on his cheek, grazing her fingers across it.

He decided to take this as his opportunity and so he leaned in. He expected their kiss to be frenzied, rushed, filled of desperation and hunger for each other. But instead it was gentle, long-lasting, and filled with a renewed feeling of love and longing.

Kaidan pulled back slowly as he collected his thoughts on what just happened. He felt as if he never lost her. That the woman he fell in love with was indeed there. What he felt in that kiss, was something that he knew he couldn't feel with anyone but Shepard. It just was something that couldn't be recreated in a person.

He suddenly felt stupid for ever questioning her and her ties with Cerebus. She was truly Shepard. _His_ Shepard. Her feelings for him were and had always been genuine, and that was all he needed.

As Kaidan cleared his thoughts, he suddenly felt her green eyes as they scanned his expression, and wondered what she was thinking before she spoke.

"Do you regret that..?" Shepard didn't know if she could handle his answer. She already felt like she lost him once. If this went south, she didn't know _what_ she'd do.

He let a small grin play on his face as he walked her over to the couch, where he had her sit next to him. "No, I'd never regret kissing you." He chuckles. "But I do have to say, that was one of my favorite ones. It even made me realize how wrong I've been about you.."

She smiled, hoping that meant he finally believed her and leaned against him, feeling more comfortable than she did when she walked in. He kisses her forehead. "I missed you Shepard.." He sighed. "Every day you were.." He shook his head, the word stuck in his throat. " _Dead._.. And every day after Horizon that you were not with me…"

Shepard wrapped her small hand around his, squeezing it tightly. She could only imagine how miserable those couple of years must've been. But she knew the pain she's felt since Horizon mirrored his. "I missed you too Kaidan.. Every night that I'd go to bed, I'd dream of you. I'd wish that you were safe.. And ultimately I'd wish you were there with me, holding me in your arms as I told you how much I loved you…"

He stroked her hair as she spoke. Taking in how she as she described how she had also suffered at his absence. When she finished speaking, he brought her body closer to his. "I'm just beyond thankful that you came back.. And grateful to have you in my arms now.." He now began to feel the effects of his energy being drained. His eyes suddenly felt weighted as they dared to come down. The mission, plus the workout had taken quite a toll on him. Especially with the small amount of sleep he's been getting lately. Which was partially due to his migraines, but also because of Shepard. But the last thing he wanted to do was sleep. Instead, he wanted to spend as much time as he could with her in his arms. Just like it used to be.

She noticed his body started to relax. His muscles felt more at ease as they held her in his embrace. She didn't want this moment to end, but she knew she should let him get some sleep. While the mission alone was enough to render anyone exhausted both physically and emotionally, she also knew this was overwhelming. "I should let you get some rest.." She said softly as she began to slip out of his grasp.

"No, no." He mumbled. "Please.. stay with me.." He shot her a half smile. "Humor me please?"

She shook her head as with a small smile on her lips. How was she supposed to say no? "Alright Kaidan." She positioned herself under his arm, her head resting on his chest as he wrapped his arms around her once more. With his eyes losing the fight to stay awake any longer, he quickly kissed her forehead once more and hazily whispered, "I love you Shepard.." before finally drifting away to a long awaited slumber.


End file.
